I do not mean to brag, but I must say that when Volodya cuffed me about the ear and spit on my forehead, I dealt him a blow he would not soon forget. No, I’ve hit him with the portable stove latter, moving on to hitting him with an iron during the evening. So he didn’t die right away. The fact that I tore of his arm at noon proves nothing. He was alive at the time. I’ve killed Andryusha purely by inertia, so I cannot blame myself for that. Why did Andryusha and Elizaveta Antonovna have to get into my hands? They shouldn’t have jumped out from behind the door. They blame me of being bloodthirsty, saying I drank their blood, yet that is false; I have merely licked up the puddles and stains it left around – a perfectly natural human desire to cover up the remains of ones crime, however minor. Also, I did not rape Elizaveta Antonovna. To begin with, she was not a virgin, and in addition I had intercourse with a corpse, so she was in no condition to complain. So what if she was about to give birth? I was the one who removed the child. The fact that he was incapable of surviving was no fault of mine. I didn’t tear his head off – his thin neck was to blame for that. He wasn’t meant for this life. It’s true that I squished their dog with my boot. But I find it quite cynical to blame me for the death of a dog when three human lives have been destroyed (not counting the child). Fair enough, I’m willing to agree that all of the above may appear somewhat cruel on my part. But blaming me for sitting down and relieving myself upon their corpses is, pardon me, completely absurd. Defecation is a perfectly natural bodily function that cannot therefore be categorized as criminal. In conclusion, I understand my councils concerns, but still hope to be found completely innocent.
Ze end, mon amis.
Check Kharms out:
There was a recent translation of his major writings into English, so you have no excuse for not making the acquaintance.